Live this life, make a move, stop running away

The words that I live my live by, I am an extremely busy lazy person, vegetating on the sofa is my idea of a good time, I love doing nothing.

THE RANT!!!

So why in the name of the sweet saints did I marry a beautiful woman with a child and then double compound my affliction by knocking her up two years later? Perhaps behind all of this lies my natural attraction to pain, heavens knows I enjoy spanking my Dearest Wife’s butt. But then again would I enjoy it if she smacked mine? Not to sure but as per normal I digress.

Hold on I am having a thought. Tashs butt.....Censored........ Ok I am done.

Had my little blood sucking disaster V, got to the terrible twos before I parted with my can of the best, trust me she would have been an only child. Oh my word! Anyway....... you make your bed you lie in it, hold on a second, I didn’t make this bed did I?

Terrible twos, what crap, the little cow is three now, so what is this Adolescence?

“ Daddy, what’s’ this?” (Holding a Kit Kat as though she has known it forever and they are best buds)
“Its Mommy’s chocolate, put it down V you are going to melt it”
“No! I don’t want to” (Still fingering the chocolate – I can see the poor thing (chocolate not the child) starting to contort)
“Put it down V” (I know where this going so I start to stand up)
“Waaaaahhhhhaaaaa! (Japanese Sub titles “ Die you chocolate denying pig dog!” Tears everywhere)
“Go Cry in your room” (Another unfortunate moment- I want to die!)

So picture this, you have an incredibly irate Mama bear, you have a perpetually miserable and moany Baby bear and a completely suicidal Papa bear all living under the same roof. Sounds like a good episode of Fawlty Towers to me.
Enter the second child, admittedly my own sperm, Mama Bear’s irritability becomes a very normal case of depression and Fawlty Towers quickly transforms into Dantes 9th layer of Hell.

I am a lazy man, I cannot remember the last time I was lazy. Oh how I want to be lazy, lie in front of the TV watching the Greek weather channel, it is surprisingly interesting, especially the way they say “guud mooning” and munching on popcorn.

Saw a couple in the shop yesterday with their brood, I call those type of people “The Crazzeees”, you know what I am talking about, those parents who wake up smiling because they have thirteen kids and all they want to do is cuddle and kiss them all. Bugger that for an unfortunate joke! Jeff Dahmer was just the same, except he didn’t find a mate, so he just cut up, cooked and then ate people, while he searched for his inner self.

I am not like them, the crazees that is! My kids irritate the poopy out of me; honestly all I can think about right now is going to Cape Town with Dearest Wife and her twins. We are going to party (hmmmm!) all night long and there isn’t going to be a child within a hundred kilometres of me who needs his nappy changed or her nunu wiped.

THE CALM DOWN

The truth of the matter is and I mentioned it early is that I have natural attraction to pain, and I felt a great deal of it yesterday when Cayden went to my parents for a visit and every time V cries for no reason. Its painful being a parent and you never sit down , your mind and your heart fights an eternal battle for ascendancy, so far my heart is controlling my mind, telling it what I need to do and what is important to those around me. Now and again it all becomes a little much, I wig out and want nothing to do with them, and it doesn’t last long because I guess my heart is allot stronger than my mind.

Perhaps I am a crazee at heart? I never felt like eating any one. Perhaps if I covered them in Spur chips and salad sauce?

Proud Daddy to Vyanka and Cayden